I feel like I’ve really gotten back into the swing of things with this little blog! I’ve had an idea to post a sort of summary about each month in terms of what happened and how my mental health has been – one, to make sure I’m posting more regularly and two, as a sort of diary to keep things on track!
As months go, May is always one of my favourites. It was my birthday! It also has the birthdays of a lot of my friends too – it’s nice to share it with them. The weather starts to feel like summer. It stays lighter for longer. It has loads of bank holidays. I always just feel better around this time of year.
But it hasn’t always been fun though, May used to mean exam season. Revision cramming, all-nighters and panic. Thankfully my Masters is coursework based, whilst this month still had assignment pressure, it feels more manageable. May also reminds me of loss, my nan. Four years. I know she’d be proud of me, I know she is, I just wish she were here.
It’s been mixed. I’ve really been struggling with purpose. What is the point of everything? There have been a lot of complications over the past couple of months which have just put me on. my. arse. I’ve really been knocked back in who I am as a person, which hasn’t happened for a long time. It’s been a different kind of struggle. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it is I want from my life, and what my priorities are.
What has been great about May 2019, is how much time I’ve spent with my friends.
It feels weird being in your early-twenties and deciding what you want to do for your birthday when it doesn’t involve alcohol. There seems to be a lot of expectations that you’ll have a night you can’t remember. I try to do the opposite. I try to make it a day I’ll always remember.
When I think about it, my friends must really hate me for always taking photos of everything at the moment. But I want to document moments I was happy, like actually happy; they’ve felt few and far between recently.
I started my birthday celebrations with a family meal.
I spent my 23rd birthday at Marwell Zoo. I love going to the zoo. It might sound really childish but I find it so wholesome. We had some good food with good company, and I ended my day very happy sipping mocktails in the moonlight.
I spent a lot of time this month in the company of some really great people. People that make me feel like me. I reunited with some friends from university and managed to see my super-woman of a best friend Chloe. Our friendship group now has furry friends, whose slobbery kisses feel like they’re licking you back together.
Another thing this month which has given me perspective and time to think is the nighttime drives. I’m not enjoying being in my home town at the moment, I want a break. The lights in Southsea make me feel like I’m somewhere new and it’s refreshing.
I’d say I’m still finding things difficult. It may not be the most difficult thing I have been through, it’s a new kind of difficult. Throughout my entire life, I had a plan, how I was going to do things, it gave me purpose.
Whilst things are slowly resolving themselves now, I felt like I nearly lost everything. I am trying to tell myself that I have a newfound sense of gratitude, it showed me how vulnerable my state of happiness really is. I’ve realised how relaxed I’ve been about my goals, how much I wasn’t addressing my feelings, how much I rely on others to make me happy – it’s time to take that back for myself.
This has been one of, if not the most, reflective time of my life to date.
Maybe it’ll be worth it.