NOVEMBER 2019 MENTAL HEALTH REFLECTION.

Hi guys,

Welcome back, and if you’re new here – thanks for taking the time to read my lil page!

As much as I love my little blog, I am struggling a bit with working, uni coursework, dissertation work etc, so I apologise for the lack of posts at the moment! Please try to bear with me…

You know the drill, grab a cuppa, get cosy and let’s get nosey into my reflection on this month and my mental health…

In case you missed it, here is what things were like for me in October.

So, let’s get started…

UNIVERSITY UPDATE:

So things have been pretty busy this month with university deadlines! We’ve been working on producing a court report about whether the claimant has formed a ‘false memory’ of an alleged rape that took place, pretty interesting stuff tbf!

I’m glad it’s all submitted now, I forgot how time-consuming, and well life-consuming coursework is, especially when you have other commitments. All in all, that’s half of this year’s coursework submitted all before Christmas so I’m pretty happy! I’m ready to just get started on the next module now.

I’m currently also working on my dissertation for this year. My supervisor and I are throwing around ideas surrounding self-harm and suicide in prisons – whether they are an expression of mental illness or a coping mechanism of prison… She has said it is going to be the most interesting one she works on this year, I could have cried! I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into a project again, I LOVED my dissertation at undergrad.

I’m not gonna lie, I had forgotten how hard and soul-sucking uni can be, but I’m still motivated to graduate this year. One year down, the rest of this one to go!

WORK:

So, I’m still loving work, but my god has the workload increased!

I’m able to work on my own now which is great, it’s very empowering to be able to make decisions about how your day will go and the time spent with your clients. I’m finally getting my head around the database and the admin side of things.

It’s been pretty eye-opening so far, but not in a bad way. It’s made me a lot more grateful for everything I have. It’s made me proud of the choices I’ve made, and now being in a position to help other people. It’s shown me how life could have been. I really hope I can be a good support worker for my clients. It’s a horrible time of year to be sleeping on the streets.

As much as it can be difficult day-to-day, I’m still in awe of how I landed this job, I feel really lucky for the opportunity.

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MYA TURNED 10!

I remember the first day I met my fiance’s little sister, Mya. She was a tiny, chubby-cheeked four-year-old, with wild bed hair creeping into his room in the first morning I stayed round his.

I remember she wouldn’t speak to me for ages as, and this is an exact quote – ‘I thought you were a zombie’, HA! How bloody lovely aye!

She’s the first real ‘kid’ I’ve spent lots of time within my life, considering I’m an only child – I’ve loved watching her grow so much. Only a couple more years until she grows out of all of her shoes and I can claim them all!

Imagine, being 23 years old and having a 10-year-old come up to your forehead…

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BRAD WORKED AWAY:

November has been great, except I had to share my fiancé whilst he worked away in Norwich :(.

Luckily, it was for only two weeks this time. Most of 2018 I had to share him with half of England! But that’s what you have to do when you have a hard-working and determined fiance, support them whatever they need to do! I’m lucky he works as hard as he does.

I can’t wait for next month, he’ll have two weeks off for Christmas, so hopefully, we can spend some quality time together.

2 YEARS NO SMOKING:

A few years ago, well roughly nine to be precise, I started smoking after my dad passed away. I started to replace my SH behaviour with smoking until I managed a whole year without it. I was really reliant on nicotine, some days I smoked a lot. Any moment I wanted to SH, I smoked.

I would go without food at uni to buy cigarettes. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. I never thought I would quit. I mean why would I, it was bloody lovely?

We were on holiday in Fuerteventura, and obviously, cigarettes are super cheap out there, we smoked so much that it wasn’t that lovely anymore. It was actually Brad’s idea to quit… so I took it upon myself, I challenged myself to see if I could quit whilst at uni – the peak of stress. Throughout my efforts of trying to quit, did he do it too?! Did he heck!

I had been smoke-free for over a year by the time Brad caught up with me… However, on the 16th of November 2019, I can proudly say that I am two years completely smoke-free, and I plan on never touching the stinky stuffs again!

For tips on how to quit, check out my blog post here.

It always seems impossible, until it is done.

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IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS:

I haven’t been excited for Christmas this year, it just hasn’t felt the same. I thought I was okay with that, like coming to the end of an era… Until we went out shopping, and it felt a lot more like Christmas. Whilst my childhood is very much over, it was magical watching the littlest one enjoy all things Christmassy…

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If this is how good it feels in November, bring on next month!

FAMILY FUNERAL:

Unfortunately this month I lost yet another family member. I won’t pretend that we were particularly close, but he played a part in my childhood which I’ll always remember. This funeral was hard, however, as it didn’t feel like family. I was sat with most of my mum’s side of the family, and I felt out of place. It was like I wasn’t supposed to be there. I don’t fit in with my dads and now I don’t fit in with my mums.

It stirred up some strange feelings inside of me, but that’s just how life goes I suppose.

MENTAL HEALTH REVIEW APPOINTMENT (4): 

So, yet another failed attempt to get through this review appointment. Despite my explicit instructions to both Mandy and the reception team about my new busy schedule, they continued to give me the same appointment which I could not attend. However, they then threatened to remove me from all treatment because of this. Still waiting for an appointment in the post from them… I do need the support, more so now I am busy than before, I don’t want them to assume I’m not engaging.

I’ve been feeling quite strange recently. Admittedly, I have been missing my morning meds more than I’d like to admit at the moment. I’m trying my best to keep on track with everything, but sometimes things just slip. I’ve had such racing thoughts and so many thoughts all at once that I couldn’t break them apart to act on them. I’ve felt numb from it all. I have to keep being busy. If I stop for too long I feel guilty and will find anything to do so I’m being productive. If I am sat down for too long, I feel like I’ve forgotten something and it drives me mad for hours. I can’t just sit down and relax. I wish I felt like the things I do are good enough. I wish that when there was an opportunity to rest I could just simply be present instead of constantly thinking about the next day and the next day… I thought that now my days are filled I would feel more fulfilled… We shall have to see what it feels like next month…

NOVEMBER BLOG SUMMARY:

In comparison to last month, I didn’t post nearly as much…

  1. A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF.

NOVEMBER STATS:

TWITTER:

  • On the 31st of October, I had 3,535 followers.
  • On the 30th of November, I had 3,535 followers.

BLOG INSTAGRAM:

  • On the 31st of October, I had 169 followers.
  • On the 30th of November, I had 182 followers.

THIS BLOG:

  • Back in November of 2018, I had received 22 total views on my posts. Fast forward to the same month 2019, I have received 193 views for this month. Not bad at all considering I only made one post!
  • On the 31st of November, I had received 19 likes for this month.
  • This month, I have received 102 visitors.
  • This month, I have received comments.
  • On the 30th of November, I had received 10 new followers for this month.

As always, these numbers may seem small to others, but they mean so much to me! Everyone single one of them.

Overall, whilst parts of this month have seemed difficult, I know that overall I am in a good place. A place that is worthy of being grateful for instead of criticised for not being perfect.

See you at the end of the month for December’s MH reflection.

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